Hide - Tour Journal #1

_Marhaban (hello in Arabic), my name is Heather Hannoura. I've been doing a band called HIDE for the past 11 years. We are on tour now for our new record SPIT OR SWALLOW EVERY SOUL TASTE DEATH out 9/11. Welcome to my tour journal, I will be sharing these in weekly installments here on Buddyhead. Thank you Travis, love you dog. _

Tour journal 9/4-9/11 9/4 miraculously the records made it in time and we'll have them for the show tonight. I woke up not caring about that though, just feeling excited and proud that we did it; made this as a memorial, a dead/undead reckoning, "this machine proccesses grief" ok. That we get to do these shows with Dagger is really everything. We made this for him as much as for Làwû and witnessing his performance and getting to look into his eyes singing dancing crying in the dark...that shit is gonna be deeply healing bro. Flouncing around the country/world with this spirit could be the reboot, coming together collectively confronting the horrors of loss...not SO different from what we've always done but with Dagger it's like, it's all for you and that is different, like these are spells to ward off darkness and all the bodies in the world, all the death and destruction, we will keep watering your tree refusing to comply picking flowers eating fruit in defiant protest because we are alive, being reborn everytime we push the fuck through. Wound Care (our song for Dagger) lyrics say it better than I can. bone of animal in my hand bone of everything in my heart die by your own hand live again GET GOD GOOD eat every ripe red fruit feeling open your mouth and out pours the breath of life to laugh at death lay down in a ditch and smile and smile you are no false idol shut in or coffined made of wood and inlaid with green color fashioned in such a way which his heart could imagine

9/5 Driving from Chicago to Grand Rapids, looking at the clouds; sledge hammer, the bird with the snake from the Mexican flag,, baby elephant sitting down, angel on it's back. Thinking about the sky and borders and the genocide. Thinking about diaspora and erasure... EXIT CLOSED EXILE OPEN sprawling everywhere

9/6 Love bouncing from a proper club show to a basement. Played Grand Rapids last night. I hit my head on the duct work in the basement over and over before during and after the show, dented it up pretty good. Brandon from Could Rat set up the show and it ripped. We played w his band and Immaculate Conception (Madison and Toozday's band). Dagger brought us a watermelon, when we toured w Mirrored Fatality and Harpy last summer we'd always have gorgeous fruit plates which Láwû would decorate with whatever flowers they could find, on the merch table to share; always interesting to see how people interact with it like some ask how much it is others take what they want, eyes would light up or not but simply we eat fruit together, it's beautiful. Period. Anyways Dagger brought a watermelon and we started cutting it up together in the kitchen of the house we were playing and he was like woah yellow ok. I told him how Seth had got me a watermelon a few days ago and said the same thing, and told Dagger what I told Seth, I said yeah remember in Seattle when we played w Baseck, Láwû got a yellow melon and we all were hanging outside the club eating it together, he remembered and we held eachother crying cutting fruit to share with everyone. Earlier I gave him a wicked scorpion hat I'd gotten him but never sent because he's always traveling and once I sent him art to the church and it went missing so I kept it like 9 months lol. He said oh hat trade and went and got me a hat Sky made that he said was perfect for me. I swapped it w my Haram hat I wear everyday I love hat trade I love Sky. At the end of our set I was laying on the floor crying and it was quiet for like 5 minutes no one even coughed it was like a stillness spell and I was like mmmm vibe shift how? so I said Alexa! Play Butterfly by Crazy Town and Brandon put it on and some people left but real heads stayed their asses in the b.o. filled basement and danced with us as I asked them to. Dagger was my main dance partner "so sexy almost evil" tears blinded blurry holding scream singing.

Death rebirths me Grief gently holds my hand Hat Sky made from hat trade w Dagger, Econolodge outside Grand Rapids

9/6 Got to Hamtramck, dropped our stuff at Matt's and walked to the best dispensary ever down the street. Stopped at a Yemeni cornerstore I had bought soap I liked at before but they were out. Stopped in the thrift because I forgot to bring a jacket (forgot or wanted to thrift a new nasty little item?) and viola instantly found a vintage leather and fur shredder from the 60s for $15. Then on the way to meet Seth at Rema's I met a woman named Angelina who asked for help because she jyst had neck surgery and has four kids, I gave her what was in my pocket and we talked awhile. She showed me the scar and I said wow they lined your tattoo back up really well and she laughed and said she'd been wondering about that. She had 6 fractures and more broken bones in her neck and told me it was crazy, she didn't know this could happen but a blood infection from a bad tooth resulted in her blood like attacking these bones because they were small and near the source of the infection. We talked about how fucked up it is that they will help if you're about to die (and even then it's like 50/50 if they'll give a fuck) but won't fill a cavity as a preventative measure. Trash. Disgusting. Dehumanizing. But we were both smiling and hugged and both said we hoped we'd see each other again. She told me about a new market after I mentioned Al Haramain and told me I could call her Gigi now because we were friends. I am reminded that my hateand anger are deeply rooted in flame licking hot love. I heard the call to prayer 3 times here today. Words cannot explain how it makes me feel. Stops me from doing anything but being still, closing my eyes with it's minimal yet overwhelming beauty. It always reminds me of being in Egypt for the first time, not knowing if I was dreaming or not. Hamtramck garden cat

9/7 Detroit (Hamtramck actually) was cute, played w Immaculate Conception again and got to hang more w them. On the way to Small's I took alleys and saw so many gorgeous gardens so lush such bounty to be harvested in immigrants backyards. Like, this is living this shit is A LIVE. I passed an open garage with no garage things in it but instead a big Bengali family wearing beautiful garments all circled around an enormous pot of curry they were stirring, it smelled amazing, I saw cauliflower riding the curry wave made by the big flat wooden spoon. They all smiled at me, it made me cry and I kept walking.

The show felt good but some stuff I needed for the last song wasn't there but whatever. Dagger drove overnight to Baltimore, we went back to Matt's and went to sleep. I remember the ultra goth skulls in her mohawk girl who comes out always here who is so sweet and stoked, I remember right before I fall asleep that at the show she bought the record and put the album title sticker on her head and was running around. Love u freak. It's yours.

Driving to Baltimore now, 9.5 hrs, Seth is driving, my knee hurts. Kneepads helping when we play but drops and car all day and I'm too big for this car.

9/8 Baltimore show was obviously a v cute banger. Generator show at the skatepark full blood moon came up during our set, was really in it. Dagger slayed as per usual. We commiserated on our fits that night both wearing proper bottoms because there were kids at the park. His set destroys me every night. I'm so grateful to be doing this tour with him, honestly it couldn't be right any other way. A metal band played last, it was a beautiful night. We set up fruit and merch on a big rock. We stayed w Logan and Jane (Curse) who put on the show, had a chip bonanzaz (Utz crab boil, shrimp chip and Rap Snacks lil Baby hot chips; father son holy ghost) watching nature show smoking weed Seth gave me a foot rub. Everyone went to bed but me, fish tank noise, dreamed I was underwater (in a good way). Excited and feeling slightly relieved (?) to be going to the ocean tomorrow. Skatepark show in Baltimore w rock merch table and yellow watermelon

9/8 Driving to Asbury Park for two days off in heaven (Kate's house) by the sea. Stopping at Ocean State Job Lot on the way to stock up on the out of print tinned fish I discovered in Croatia and bought all of when I could find it in the U$; this is the only spot that has it now on clearance til I buy them all from every Ocean State Job Lot location lol. Seth is giving updates; 1 hr til Ocean State Job Lot, 41 min til Ocean State Job Lot etc.

Watched the moon rise over the ocean by myself tonight. I walked around waiting it to get dark. Heard church bells ring eight. Threw a kissed flower in the fresh waterway and headed towards the ocean. It was cloudy and at first I didn't I'd see it but an orange streak like a dry brush stroke got brighter so slowly I couldn't tell if it was really happening or not. Then it illuminated the whole cloud, and finally showed it's full self it was stunning. I sat in the sand wind whipped and weeping. I got up to leave and didn't. Same as when I get out of the ocean, I don't. Can't stick the leaving for a few tries, I do what they want. Seth saw me get up look back stand there the last attempt and waited for me on the boardwalk, we got shitty pizza that didn't taste like anything and walked back to the house together. Seth went to sleep and I set up Dagger's bed, cut him some fruit and waited on the porch w wine for him to arrive.

metal medusa swan in the dark white rose in the reservoir

 New jacket selfie at the ocean, Asbury Park

9/9 Woke up early before everyone, gripped some coffee, bleached my eyebrows, gazed at the backyard garden frim the bathroom window plotting my gardening moves for the day. Went upstairs and sat in the pink octagon room where time moves different surrounded by passion flower vines, horseshoe crab exoskeletons; morning light blazing through a stained glass window.

I pulled weeds, got tore up, cleared a spot and placed a little shrine up; black iron swan w poke erry ribbon around it's neck, circled with rotting fruit and veg from the garden. It got rained on and was beautiful all saturated colors and dripping.  Swan shrine for Làwû

Kate came home and we busted ass in the yard for hours. Seth and Dagger went to get Ethioian food and we saw them w leftovers on the porch right when we werecleaving to go to the beach to swim in the ocean. Dagger came with. The waves were gnarly, I do what Kate does when it's rough or undertowy, she didn't go in far but I went farther and Dagger went farther than me. They both went and laid in the sand awhile. I stayed til I'd sunk in to the sea floor almost mid calf, waves crashing all around me, foam sizzling away as it dispersed. I love being here. I think about all the seas, touching everything, simply everything. I think about Gaza and the myriad ways we are all connected. Water, blood, hope, desire, steadfast working towards something better than more hell on earth.

Fresh hell Fresher heaven

We left Dagger there in the sand, and got back to it. I picked basil, zuccini, eggplant, tomatoes, fennel and corn, I am heartbroken thinking of Seraj and his family and wish I could send them this food instead of money that gets half stiolen and is barely enough for a few vegetables.. We made a gorgeous feast. I made Kasbana's Egyptian fantasy so good I cried when I first had it eggplant. Kate made a delicious fresh pesto pasta. Seth and Dagger were both sleeping so me and Kate ate together then bong ripped and walked downtown to get ice cream. I am so happy and grateful to be here. Back at the house I take a bath and sleep like a baby, I always sleep so deep here.  Dinner harvest from Kate's garden

9/10 Woke up at 6:30 to max the hangs w Kate. She's got to go work at the diner in Philly. I was going to go back to bed but instead we drink coffee and I see her off on the porch and it is drizzling so dreamy. I drink more coffee and smoke on the porch. Dagger is up, we hug and cry in the pink kitchen before I steal off to the ocean one last time before we leave. The grey churning sky, the grey blue steel looking water; it soothes so hard. I want to stay but have to go.  Grey on grey Asbury Park  Rose in the rain Asbury Park

 Me and Daggs and the spice cabinet at Kate's house

We are leaving Kate's today to go stay at Star Route Farm where him and Làwû spent lots of time farming over the past four five years. We pack up and go, I'm driving. The sun came out halfway there and it's cartoonishly beautiful carving through the Catskills headed to the farm. I think a lot about how intense this all is, being where you were with loved ones once they die, we are so lucky to be surrounded by love in these situations. Again, I think of Gaza, awe despair hope

Everyone here is wonderful. Amanda gives us each a big jar of water and tells us how to get to the memorial spot where she planted a willow for Làwû. When we got to the end of the center path Dagger and Seth are looking at two bigger trees in the distance, Dagger thinks it's the one on the left but I'm like sorry ya'll neither of those are willow trees then I see it small pert not even drooping branches yet like the wee-est willow tree you wver did see, yellow trunk no bigger than my wrist and we go to it and I'm thinking about Làwû's tiny hands. This is unreal. We empty our water jars, and I notice there are rocks encircling the tree and we all get to work re setting the stones to fill gaps in the ring around the tree; pulling up grass and stuff growing in it until it's mostly cleared and then we intentionally place offerings at the base of the tree. Me and Dagger are hugging, crying quietly and I hear myself say "unreal" and move to touch the tiniest new leaves. Brutal.

We hit the creek after, Seth found a rock with a perfect tiny shell fossil, impossibly small forever I think.

Back at the farm house we prep vegetables for dinner and fest fireside with Blue ,Mary and Amanda. We are talking and Blue says "Me tooo!" when it comes up I had Christian mom and Muslim father, they are Egyptian/Palestinian and it's dark so no one knows but I slip a tear. Meeting other queer Arabs sends me. I never knew I would or could as a kid and every time it happens a little part of my heart unlocks it's euphoric. Everybody went to bed but me Daggs and Blue and Blue gave me a tattoo. A spindly nothing everything opening crack shapeshifter decoration. A beautiful end to the day. I'm so bloody grateful. All this and I almost forget tomorrow is 9/11, and our record release day. We wouldn't be here now if we didn't make that, so I feel grateful for the band as facilitator of moments like this when everything feels so good and I feel loved accepted connected part of something.  Opium tea Amanda made us at Star Route Farm

 Farm cat wanting to come in the house

 My new tattoo from Blue