Dear Marilyn Manson,
Hi, I’m Meathead. You probably don’t know me, but I used to think you were cool back in the mid ’90s. Of course, that was mainly because you were working with Trent Reznor, who I liked more, but that’s beside the point. Portrait of an American Family was a pretty solid album. Remember back when you had a sense of humor, before you had legions of pudgy goth kids worshipping you for no readily discernable reason? Why don’t you write intentionally funny songs like “My Monkey” anymore?
Antichrist Superstar was cool, but it was obvious that you were already convinced by this point that your fecal matter smelled of lavender and lilacs. I remember reading rumors on some internet bulletin board in 1996 that you were going to kill yourself on stage at some point, maybe on February 14, 1997 (the date the ACS liner notes claim “Irresponsible Hate Anthem” was recorded live, despite the fact that the album was released on October 8, 1996). If you were looking to shock people, that would have admittedly been quite effective. Obviously that never happened, since you’re still (technically) alive, but oh well. It’s still not too late to shock whatever fans you still have left, though. You know, just putting that out there.
Anyway, I heard you announced some new song titles in Revolver magazine, and since I could always use a good laugh, I thought I’d check it out. And, sure enough, the titles are hilarious. But there was something in that interview that caught my attention, and it’s the reason I’m writing this letter to you today.
I’m just curious as to why you would think you deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as Johnny Cash. Or, for that matter, the same paragraph. Or the same magazine. Or the same magazine rack. Of course, I’m referring to the following quote:
“I don’t consider myself evil, but when people hear [my shitty new album], they’re gonna hear a sense of evil — like Johnny Cash at his best and darkest.”
To be fair, you are known for saying some pretty retarded things in your interviews, so it’s not like the bar was set very high. Nobody was expecting you to actually get through the whole thing without sticking your foot in your mouth at least four or five times. But you couldn’t get through the first paragraph without comparing yourself to Johnny Cash? Really? You’re honestly suggesting that the man who wrote “Folsom Prison Blues” would also write a song called “Armagoddamnmotherfuckinggeddon”? You should seriously cut back on the Mansinthe, dude. Or at least stop mixing lead paint chips into it.
I can’t say I’m surprised by anything you do or say anymore. I just get slightly more depressed each time. This latest turd of idiocy to roll out of your mouth is just more depressing than usual, that’s all. I know you’re supposed to act like each new album you half-assedly slap together in the studio is the greatest thing since Choco Tacos. But this is ridiculous, even for you. Are you just jealous that Johnny Cash didn’t cover “Man That You Fear”? Is that why you’re so insistent on making him spin violently in his grave?
I noticed that you also stated that you recently registered to vote. Wow, and you’re only 40! Way to go! Nice to see that you were capable of staying lucid long enough to fill out a simple form and drop it in a mailbox, after only 22 years of being eligible to do so. Of course, you probably only did it so you could vote for McCain. SHOCKING!
Let’s see, what else was there… you claim to have recorded yourself snorting drugs and sampled it as a percussion instrument, the new album is “ballsy” and “biblical”, it’s going to give people nervous breakdowns… yeah, pretty much the usual shit you say whenever you have another contractually-obligated record in the pipeline. We both know it’s going to suck, there will probably be a picture of your penis in the liner notes, you’ll probably say the N-word at least twice, and it’ll probably sell about 35 copies, but whatever. It’s your right as an American to make boring, clichéd music. But please stop comparing yourself to people who actually had talent and made real music, as a personal favor to me. Thanks!
Love,
Meathead
P.S.: Congratulations on your new girlfriend. Dita’s going to be super jealous this time, for sure!
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