The Fiery Furnaces - Gallowsbird's Bark
These guys are from New York, but we hear they don't hang out with all those "The" bands, so we figured we'd let em slide. It's always strange when you hear about siblings being in bands together... like, who wants to hang out with their family more than they have to, let alone be in a band with them? If these dudes were from Arkansas, they'd be "cuddling", playing "doctor" and getting freaky. But unlike the White Stripes sibling myth, these two are the real deal. This brother and sister combo (should we mention again that they have the same mom and dad?) which is "him" with his crazy chops, and "her" with her dictionary reading lyrics, are bringin' it a la Captain Beefheart without his large testicles... in a good way.

Killing Joke - Killing Joke
Isn't life funny? Back in 1992, these guys sued Nirvana for stealing their riff from the song "Eighties" and slowing it down to make the single "Come As You Are". A decade later, and the dude who played drums on the song in question is playing on this Killing Joke album. We see a pattern developing here where all the records Dave plays drums on are rad, yet none of his other efforts receive much acclaim. This album was also produced and mixed by Andy Gill from Gang Of Four, so you know it's like sweet suckling mama cow tits are for a baby calf.

Outkast - The Love Below/Speakerboxxx
There's no doubt that Dre stole some of Kool Keith's style when he started wearing his wigs and capes and shit, but Dre is on his own level now. Kool Keith may be the best rapper, but Dre is a musician. He's onto some Funkadelic and Sly type shit. He's like Stevie Wonder, except he can see and slays way more tang.

Singapore Sling - The Curse Of...
Who knew you could buy Jesus and Mary Chain and Velvet Underground records up in Iceland? We weren't even sure if they had electricity yet. Maybe they really don't all live in huts like we thought, or maybe they just know how to do mail-order, cos you can hear these influences on this rockin' record. These dudes are loud, like feedback, and sing about drugs, death, or both in the "I'm not singing in key, but you can't tell if I'm doing it on purpose or not" style which is always hit or miss. It works here.

The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow
A bunch of old, weird lookin' dudes from New Mexico show all the other indie types up by dropping another classic record on everybody's heads. The keyboard player's girlfriend is bomb gash too, so you know you're onto something when yer wrangling tang that was on "America's Next Hottest Slut" or whatever she was on.

400 Blows - Black Rainbow
Another one of those "no bass" bands, except these guys will tear off your face and bum out your parents. Perhaps the most annoying band in Los Angeles. Definitely the most punk band in Los Angeles. These guys DON'T FUCK AROUND.

Spiritualized - Amazing Grace
Jason Spaceman has become an expert at switching up vices. To keep things interesting, and from getting "stuck in a rut", sometimes ya gotta switch the uppers and downers around... from the big yellow pills to the little white ones. To keep Spiritualized interesting, Jason has applied a similar technique by ditching the lush orchestra with strings and horns, and opted for a raw rock n'roll record cut in two weeks. "Amazing Grace" is the punkest psychedelic record in years.

Lightning Bolt - Wonderful Rainbow
Two musicians, who don't know any singers, flexing their playing muscles. We just wish they were wearing tank tops and putting oil on each other's backs. We also wish they'd start playing on the stage so more than 12 people can see them when they play live.

Broadcast - Ha Ha Sound
Euro dance shit that'll have that college girl stripping off her designer jeans in no time, and that you can still play around the bros and not get called an asspounder. Promise!

Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Fever To Tell
So, the drummer looks like a cast member of "Friends", the guitar player looks like Eddie Munster dressed up like Nick Cave (or maybe it's the other way around), and the singer dresses like Punky Brewster and says "dude" more than we do. Sounds like a mismatch, but on this record, they're tighter than your kid sister's burger, and it all seems to make more sense than chocolate and peanut butter.

Stephen Malkmus & the Jicks - Pig Lib
We almost didn't even bother listening to this one after his first shitty solo record, "white reggae" or whatever, but then Don Devore told us he named the first song on this record when he did ecstasy with Stephen Malkmus, and told him that all you needed on that drug is "water and a seat" and you're all set. Apparently Stephen laughed and jotted that down, and wouldn't ya know it, the first song on here is called "Water & a Seat". Ya know Don ain't getting a check in the mail for that shit. Oh, this record is rad by the way.

Need New Body - UFO
We're pretty sure these Philly art jazz weirdos have invented a new genre of music, cos we've never heard or seen anything close to this stuff before. Abrasive, bouncy, catchy, crazy, noisy, and loveable would be the closest we could describe this album. Guitars, keyboards, eight-bit video game consoles, pots, pans, junkyard percussion, ranting, banjos, and something in the vein of spiritual chanting would be core ingredients. Somewhere between Faust, Kraftwerk, and Zappa lies Need New Body. This will probably give everybody else you know a headache.

My Morning Jacket - It Still Moves
Yeah, yeah, we know we're not supposed to be backing dudes with beards playing nipple high guitars, but this record is still pretty damn good. Like Neil Young through an echoplex.

Lilys - Precollection
We're betting that with the right networking, this dude could end up playing the lead in some David Lynch movie, but until then, he's just gonna keep releasing amazing and beautiful pop records. This one even has a love song about getting married to drugs in Hunting Park (Philly yo). Oh yeah... Don claims he played on this thing too, but we think he's lying.

Ted Leo & The Pharmacists - Hearts of Oak
Don't let the cover depicting weird looking dudes in soccer uniforms scare you away kids. This is good.

Radiohead - Hail To The Thief
Thom Yorke thought he'd dedicate his album's title to the wack President our country has right now. Hey Thom, I've got a better idea... on the next album why don't you use the album title to address the fucked up garbage your country tries to pass off as food? Or how about how the only soda you can find in England is Coke, Diet Coke, or Fanta. Who the fuck drinks Fanta? I'll tell you who, 5 year olds, and fucking Euros. Oh yeah, and don't think you're gonna be ok by sticking to Coke, cos the limeys have decided that real sugar in it is no good, so all their Coke over there tastes like Diet Coke! What the fucky?! Or how about how nobody in England knows what warm water is... one faucet with ice-cold water and one with scalding hot? Y'know, I know it seems far fetched, but over here, we have it all coming out of one faucet, and you can CONTROL the temperature of the water. AMAZING SCIENCE! But anywhoo... sorry for the rant tangent... yeah dude, Bush sucks, Radiohead rules, yada yada yada.

The Evaporators - Ripple Rock!
This baby is crammed full, and action packed! Nardwuar the Human Serviette's all star band (dudes from New Pornographers, Zumpano, Destroyer and the Smugglers) dish up sixteen new songs that cover topics such as "being a fat frustrated fuck" and being "addicted to cheese". Hot fucking damn, the kids are gonna relate! Don't forget about the two interview snippets (one with Snoop Doggy Dogg, the other with Razel of The Roots), four bonus tracks by Nardwuar's other band Thee Dublins (aka Thee Goblins, Thee Skablins), and enhanced cd extras that include three Evaporators videos (one being "I'm Going To France" ­ which has been a Buddyhead favorite for years now), plus interview segments: Nardwuar vs. Jello Biafra, Jean Chrétien, Dan Quayle, Mikhail Gorbachev + more! We're just curious if Jello made Nardwuar touch him in places he didn't want to so this cd would come out on Alternative Tentacles.

TV On The Radio - Young Liars
We went and saw these dudes, and they slayed. The bass player looked like he was in N.W.A and had learned to play bass the day before, one of the guitar players looked like Omar from The Mars Volta after a month long Krispy Kreme binge, and everybody had fire shooting out of the ends of their hands. It ruled. Their album rules too, but doesn't "officially" come out til this year, so we put the e.p. on here. Boo yah.

Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds - Nocturama
Homeboy was in The Birthday Party, and wrecked Kylie Minogue's area. Nick wins. You lose.

The White Stripes - Elephant
We were debating whether or not to put this on here until we heard about Jack White beating the snot outta that dorkus from the Von Bondies, so we decided it was cool.


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The Darkness - Permission To Land
Can we cut the irony bullshit already? Enough with the whole, "I'm dressed like a total fucking clown, isn't it hip?" crap. There's nothing cool about velcro shoes, stupid haircuts, and wearing a pink Journey ringer tee three sizes too small. We're looking down the barrel of a very large gun pointed directly at you Brooklyn and Silverlake. Ten years into this, "I look like how my mommy dressed me in 1985" garbage, and you knew it was only a matter of time before the whole irony shtick was full blown. Yeah dudes, I get the joke... mullets, bad solos, falsetto, posturing... NOT FUCKING FUNNY. This glam cockrock pose was stupid 20 years ago, and it's worse now because we SHOULD know better.

S.T.U.N. - Evolution Of Energy
Just when it seems L.A. is steering clear of the "fake and lame bands" tag, a bunch of clueless goons who were originally a Sugar Ray soundalike band get their hands on some Refused, At The Drive-In, and a bunch of bad nu-emo records, and make the kind of mess your grandpa does in his Depends, but in audio form. This is some of that "smash the system" etc. etc. jive via Geffen Records, and "executive produced" by the guy who brought us Limp Bizkit no less. It says so right on the back of the cd just in case you didn't notice, right under all the "kill the record industry" type jargon. Good one dudes. Better hope your agent gets one of your "songs" on a tampon or hairspray commercial soon, or you're gonna get shipped back to Tampa and your old job at the Arco station.

Iggy Pop - Skull Ring
Iggy, we know you're too busy wrecking the shit outta your stripper girlfriend's burger with your massive penis to be paying attention to new music and stuff, but Sum 41? Come on dude, your gaydar should have at least gone off. Sum 41 is the closest thing to musical sodomy there is. Anyhow, before you even hear this, all you gotta do is peep the track listing showing which artists Iggy collaborates with, and it'll make your balls jump into your stomach. This is one of those "resurrect the credible old rocker with one of those Santana type albums" deals. Come to think of it, the Igg-ster screaming and jumping around shirtless with either the singer of Matchbox 20 or that pre-teen slut Michelle Branch, would have been way less offensive than this.

Dashboard Confessional - A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar
Just to double check, I looked up the word "pussy" in the dictionary, and found this:
Pus-sy / poosee/ n. (pl. ­ies)
1. a cat. (also pussycat) 2. the vulva. (coarse slang, usually considered a taboo use)
3. the singer of dashboard confessional.

Puddle Of Mudd - Life On Display
It's a total crime that this bar rock dude's dick touched Rachel Hunter's meat pit. This "music" is the most manufactured, sterile garbage imaginable, spewed out by dudes who should be working construction in Louisiana and wearing teal colored tank tops on a daily basis. We imagine a recent band meeting at the record label went something like this:
Record executive: "I think if we take off your backwards baseball cap for this record, you'll not only distance yourself from the dying nu-metal scene, but you'll look even MORE like Kurt Cobain!"
Singer idiot: "Bro... SWEET... Bonus... Bro."

Kings Of Leon - Youth And Young Manhood
Even more of the whole retro / irony thing taken to a whole new level of retardation. Yeah dudes, you might look like a band who would've opened for CCR 30 years ago, but even if you opened for them TODAY, your dickless, hack act would get blown off the stage. The Kings Of Leon's "shtick" is that they're all siblings, and their dad is like a preacher or something. But what their record label doesn't want you to know is that their dad was actually a member of the KKK. We're not making this up either. This may camouflage their origins, but still fails to smokescreen the fact that what we have here is just another band with dorky beards playing nipple high guitars. Somebody put Jet, and all the other bands doing this shit on one bill together, so they can tour state fairs in the Midwest and play to slack-jawed, sister fucking NASCAR hicks, and the 20 people in every town who believed NME when they said Andrew WK was the next Nirvana too, cos NOBODY ELSE LIKES THIS SHIT.

Blink 182 - Blink 182
A recurring theme for 2003 was that if you were in a shitty band with little or no musical talent, and / or fading popularity or credibility, then you latched onto an older artist your A&R guy introduced you to the day before, and got them to collaborate with you so you'd look smart and cool. These guys attempted to convince us they weren't singing songs about pooping, high school, and fart jokes anymore, and even tricked Robert Smith into being on their album. For further comedic enjoyment, check out the liner notes for the album, where each band member talks about recording the album with different guitars and recording techniques like it's a brand new concept. I suppose what we have here is like the "Pet Sounds" of Warped Tour albums. Somewhere in Oklahoma, 14 year olds in Hurley shirts and shants are ripping bongs, and listening to this with headphones on while tasting the colors.

Evanescence - Fallen
The first time we saw the Evanescence video, we thought it was a Saturday Night Live sketch spoofing nu-metal or something. If you're still not aware of Evanescence, imagine Linkin Park if they all put on a good 150 pounds, and replaced the annoying four eyed geek with a fat Christian fuckhole decked out in mad Hot Topic gear, and singing in an operatic voice. The appropriate soundtrack for having the hair pulled off your balls.

Thursday - War All The Time
You turn your back for 5 minutes, turn around, and there's a gazillion kids latched onto this mall-emo crap, and now everywhere you turn this 8 foot tall, gap toothed mongoloid is whining about his life like a 4 year old girl who lost her favorite Barbie. It's amazing to think how when Thursday recorded this album, and that whiner was in the vocal booth, besides the other tone deaf mutant band members, there had to be at least a producer and maybe two engineers in the room when these kids shit out these horribly fruity and out of key vocals onto tape. And you know one of those guys probably said, "Ummm... well... you see... I think you're a bit out of key there... maybe we should try another take? Or we can just fix it in pro tools here with auto tune." To which the entire band had to reply, "No, it's perfect. It doesn't matter that he sounds like a crying grade school girl that's reading her diary out loud, and our backups sound like we're being raped by a 7-foot tall black man. You see... we actually like it that way, and in the scene we come from, people actually want to hear this kind of shit." I'd give a million bucks to be a fly on the wall in that situation just to see the confused look on the producers face while he pondered that concept.

Limpbizkit - Results May Vary
By this point, Fred Durst and his "band", have become such a self-parody cartoon of themselves, that we now hope they never go away, if only for our own amusement. Hate has been transformed into awestricken entertainment. It is impossible to try and embarrass Fred more effectively than he can do by himself. Teasing him is like playing scrabble with a dyslexic down syndrome kid, or wrestling Christopher Reeves. Come to think of it, maybe this should have been on the "best of" list. It is, after all, one of the best comedy albums of all time.

Yellow Card - Ocean Avenue
Mall punk with a violin player. Hot dog! Coming next year: mall punk with a banjo. You heard it here first kids. It's progressive! The only question I have is, when the violin player is talking to chicks at the Warped Tour, and he tells them he was the one playing violin on stage, do they wanna get down, or do they laugh at him? I doubt even some 15-year-old dickpig in Nebraska would want to brag about sucking off the VIOLIN PLAYER to all her friends at school.

Linkin Park - Meteora
We can only imagine the endless comedic scenarios that took place during the creation of this gem. How many times do you think the asian guy who plays samples, or dats, or keyboards, or manpussy, or whatever the fuck he's pretending to do on stage, and who directs all the videos that look like bad USA network science fiction shows with the band playing on rocks, or volcanoes, or whatever while flying whales whiz by, said to the rapper guy, "Since rap-metal is on the way out, do you mind pretending to play guitar or bongos or something on this one too?"

The All-American Rejects - The All-American Rejects
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The Ataris - So Long Astoria
Again, we had to lump these two bands together because we can't tell the fucking difference. Well, actually, we know when it's The Ataris cause they have the really fat bass player construction worker looking dude. The legion of mall-emo grows every day, and this crap is the soundtrack for it's followers who cry when they see dolphins and rainbows, and have an "online journal", and a Friendster profile. More or less a mutation of the common hippy, but instead of beards, dreads, jungle muff, and armpit stink, it's bad star tattoos, pierced lips, and studded belts.

Metallica - St. Anger
More or less, this is some old guy barking out of key over the sound that happens when a garbage can gets thrown down a flight of stairs. I've heard the crackheads playing on plastic buckets for quarters in my neighborhood get better drum sounds than this.

Liz Phair - Liz Phair
Long gone are the days when Liz was the cute girl who wrote clever pop songs about being nailed from behind so she could watch TV at the same time. Homegirl had songs called "Fuck and Run"! This is pre-Shat mind you! Now at the age of 37, she seems to have lost the desire to even write her own songs, and has left it up to the people responsible for Avril Lavigne's tunes. Homosaywhat? So what did these calculated moves (including sitting naked behind a guitar) gain Liz? Nothing. Mr. T sold more records than this when he was rapping about how awesome his mom was. Come to think of it, that shit kills, check it out. (Click here)
So yeah, Mr. T good, Liz Phair bad. Guess why Liz... cos thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, WE CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU!
(editors note: Please excuse the nonsensical description of this album that moved from Shat analogies, to our affinity for the legendary Mr T., to Bill Hicks quotes. It should be obvious to the children after reading such nonsense, that the way to go is stay in school, and keep off the drugs.)

Hoobastank - The Reason
Like a Mountain Dew commercial gone nu-metal-emo. These dudes are getting all "AGGRRRRO" and "EXTREEEEME" on their new record. Still sounds like frosted haired mall jocks who think Limp Bizkit invented hardcore back in '97 to us.

Staind - 14 Shades Of Grey
Uncle Fester thinks he's Bob Dylan all of the sudden. Fester, get back in your cave you fucking monkey, and take the rest of the apes holding 8 string basses on stage with you.

Coheed & Cambria - In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3
Concept albums are almost always a sure sign of shittyness, but imagine if one among the hordes of nu-emo / metal bands attempted to create their genres "Tommy" or something, except this time the concept is kinda like Star Trek, but turn the "dork" knob up to 11. Who would've thought we'd ever see the day that "prog-emo" came to fruition, fronted by a troll that sounds like Geddy Lee, and a band that sounds like two guitar players dueling it out in an Indiana Guitar Center? Dorkfest.

Trapt - Trapt
Fred Durst had to have written a secret nu-metal manual that we don't know about, because every one of these bands is a perfect clone of the other, complete with mis-spelled names, big pants, eyebrow rings, shiny 7 string guitars, and faux-angst masking closet homosexuality. These morons even seemed to somehow throw a Primus influence into the mix. Even worse. By next year, all of these bands will be broke and working the night shift at the local 7-11, or sucking off 65-year-old white dudes named Larry in whatever shitty town from Florida they're from. We'd love to be the first to produce a "Nu-metal: Where are they now?" in a couple years. Somebody give us some money, we'll get cracking.

Offspring - Believe
Ahhh... The Offspring... the pinnacle of all that is shitty. This pro-tooled geriatric home continues to pollute the airwaves with their gimmick-punk, laced with the most obnoxiously processed vocals ever. And like your girlfriends venereal disease, we can expect these buttbumpers back year after year with something that's as awful and painful as being mouth raped by a gorilla.

Compiled by Aaron DICKarus, Travis Killer, and Tom Apostolopoulos.